A very wise coach once said to me, “There is grace in being where you are. Though it may not feel like it, there is some hidden blessing in what you are doing. You just might have to go digging for it.”
I had a meltdown last night when I went to the supermarket and discovered 40 people queueing at 7.20pm – it shut at 8pm. I quit 20 minutes later when I realised that I would not be getting through the doors before closing. It felt like one of my basic rights had been taken away.
Today I felt wobbly too: tearful and emotional at the email sent by the grandmother of my son’s girlfriend who was supposed to be flying over from Turkey and visiting at Easter. She is so disappointed not to be able to see her grandmother, but so grateful that we agreed she could isolate with us to at least have a family around her and not be alone. I’m also hugely missing my daughter who is such a treasure. She’s thoughtful, loving and kind, gives amazing hugs, and is a joy to be around (not to mention an amazing cook!). Yup – wobbly is the right word.
As I reflected today at all that has changed in such a little time, for all of us, I realised I have lost a sense of perspective; my usual sunny, optimistic, forgiving and curious self has become dour, judgemental and sad. I am sensitive to many more tiny things: I’m cross about people who don’t socially distance, annoyed at couples taking up someone else’s shopping space, indignant about the people who emptied the shelves of toilet rolls and cans. I am glad we are hearing about every day heroes too – they help balance this madness.
It seems harder to remember just how lucky I am in comparison to others. What about the people in the shanty towns of India and Kenya right now who live hand to mouth each day? If they stopped the work they do, they would have no money to buy food. Even if they did have money, there is panic buying where they live too – but they don’t have the luxury of freezers or larders with at least a couple of weeks’ food as back-up. What about those with chronic health issues, who are properly locked into their homes, terrified the virus will find its way in? What about those who have already lost their jobs in the knee-jerk reaction from some organisations, without even a furlough to fall back on? What about the nurse who sent her 3 year old daughter away to stay with a friend for a month for fear of her catching it from the work she is doing with the sick.
Shakespeare said, “There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” In other words, we can adjust our thinking to make it helpful rather than ruminating or becoming paralysed – it may help us feel more in control.
Optical illusions like this one require you to change your perspective to see alternative images – it all depends what you focus on. It’s a good lesson for life and leadership.
And so, I took a breath, and thought about some of the questions I use when coaching:
- What are you learning in this moment?
- What is good about this?
- How is this making you stronger or smarter?
- How can this help you and others?
- What will you think about this in a year’s time?
Journaling has also be a fabulous way of doing this, or free form writing – where I write without stopping for 5-10 minutes about my experience of the day. Commit to doing it daily so that you can become conscious of where your perspective is – is it in fear or in possibility?
Gratitude definitely helps – a thoughtful reflection of what you are truly grateful for. It can increase endorphins (the happiness hormone) and help us stay focused on what is good and how fortunate we are for many things. Distance can make us reflect back on life at home and all the good things we have; my sister travelled the world with her two daughters a few years’ back and she said the thing they longed for the most was roast dinner with our families, chez Watkins.
It will be important to notice the good things in our lives each day, big and small, as the pressure- cooker of family life builds and our tolerance and patience run out. Focus on what you can control right now and what the reality is, on choosing your response. (There is more about this in my previous article Humans in Captivity.)
What am I learning from this?
- That all my feelings are also valid; that this perspective also gives me the opportunity to shift my own seat in the roundabout of life.
- That I will never take for granted the ability to see my family and friends; the delight of wandering into a supermarket at whim; the spontaneity with which we can live our lives and create experiences.
- How much I love my tribe, all the people in my circle at work and home, and how I need to make sure I keep appreciating all they bring into my life. I am so fortunate.
What is good about this?
- How the older people in our neighbourhood who may have been lonely before are now the centre of focus and attention – making new friends (who I believe will be there forever).
- The positive, and potentially long-term, impact on our environment. Many clients are saying they will never go back to the same travel schedules they had before this.What are the positive implications on their families of this?
- We are all learning new ways of working – how can I play into that as well?! New thoughts, new ideas, new possibilities – those are good things too.
I am learning to appreciate a new perspective in life with daily exercise, cooking for my family, creating weekly menus, having time to write, making time to read, learn and grow, checking in with my clients but without being so full on, with time to get to know myself in a different way. This is a simpler way of life which many of us have been yearning for, for a long time, but the call to serve others has been higher for me. This gift is wonderful because I can serve in a different way. As we all come out of this, with grace, and all that digging around, I know this hidden blessing will be revealed.
Nikki Watkins
This article was first published on Nikki’s LinkedIn page on April 7th 2020.
