noun: relationship; plural noun: relationships
- the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected.
“Thank goodness I am in a good one…” I have heard this from many people I have talked to in the last few weeks. In contrast, I heard a devastating statistic this morning – in ‘normal’ times 2 women a week die from domestic abuse, yet by the 3rd week of lockdown this figure had risen to 14 women and 3 children – and that number may get worse. There are so many different experiences for people right now, whether it is in their relationships with others, or just as critically, our relationships with ourselves.
One of my best friends commented on my last post about roles in captivity. Her experience of being in this bubble with her two sons and husband, eating together daily, small joys like board games and a more simple life, with less rushing around trying to fit it all in, suits her down to the ground – “It is far from captivity!” she said, and I completely understand that – and for many that is a similar story.
As people out there attest, relationships are changing forever – the people of a village in Derby come outside and Moo like cows every day at 2pm just to get everyone smiling, a lovely community in the west country sang Happy Birthday to their 98 year old neighbour, and then there were the musicians in the apartments in Milan who came out on their balconies with their various instruments to play together – an uplifting experience for everyone around them. We are getting to know people and connecting in a different way.
Of course, the proximity of our loved ones is both a blessing and a curse: we are social animals, and hanging around the same small group, without those informal apostrophes in our time, can become stressful. We are finding new ways to ‘commune’, to connect and to exchange human energy, as it is less spontaneously available to us right now. I love my husband, and fortunately he’s a really good man, but, as I have said before, I love the variety of different people and connections, and being here full time is hard, no matter how patient or tolerant he is; my shifting moods are causing a strain for sure.
My emotions have got me considering the relationship with myself, and how perhaps one of my base needs isn’t being met. I am annoyed that I am angry, instead of validating and understanding that mood, so I worked through it today with my therapist (thank goodness I am seeing one right now!). I realised my relationships grow and are enriched by multiple experiences together, whether they are new sporadic relationships or long term. Now they are limited to VC or phone, it feels like I can’t make the same investment in them. It’s frankly boring and I am angry that I have no control over it and sad at the same time. Fortunately, my afternoon was filled with a coaching client, a chemistry session with a new potential client and a call from a good friend: these conversations were affirming and wonderful, and my heart and mood lifted hugely.
One of my friends, who has worked from home for 18 months, is now feeling included in team relationships in a way she never did before because technology aids informal ‘chat’ and people share their personal lives, either by choice or because children don’t understand the corporate rules 🙂 Many of my clients talk about a changing relationship with their customers and teams as our humanity is on show so much more. One leader chooses to work in his sitting-room so that as the end of the day arrives and children want to flop in front of the TV, he has to close work down. They all seem to long for that change to continue and are reflecting that the mask they wear to work is slipping and the conversations feel different.
As many businesses are also focusing on cost right now, they are also getting creative with how they do something different in future – one CEO is talking about not returning to an office in London at all but instead, renting somewhere for the majority of the team to meet for a few hours a week, or taking over a restaurant to just socialise and increase real conversations – yes, saving costs on rental, but also building cultural norms in a different way.
Families and parents are also dancing the duet of the banjos – eloquently put by a client – juggling these different roles and managing the multiple new demands, learning to make requests of each other instead of expecting the other to ‘know what I need’. So perhaps this is enabling us to grow up into our relationships, to make asks of each other and our children, and to teach them to make asks of us that relate to their emotional and mental wellbeing. “Dad, I just need a hug.”, “Mum, please don’t take another conference call tonight, I really want to read with you.”, “Sweetheart will you just listen to me? I need to be heard.”, “Boss I’m struggling to cope right now.”. In order to build trust, a fundamental foundation for relationships, we need to be vulnerable: we need to share more of ourselves than we are used to. Buttoning up all our feelings and thoughts right now will not help either ourselves or those we are in relationships with. In order to improve those relationships, we also need to be okay to ask ourselves and others “How am I? How are you?” and then double click: “How am I really? How are you really?” and finally, to be prepared to listen to the answers.
Nikki Watkins
This article was first published on Nikki’s LinkedIn page on 4th May 2020.
