When I was writing the Identity in Captivity article, I got stuck. A lot. There was so much I wanted to say about identity that it all got jumbled up. It kept me awake and I confess I got out of bed on more than one night to try and rewrite it. It wasn’t until I had a phone call with my EA to discuss it, that I finally got clarity – which makes so much sense because my extravert brain needs external stimulus to help me think clearly. Duh! It’s ironic that I hadn’t reached for this solution earlier considering the article I wrote recently on Personality in Captivity, but it is another indicator of how difficult it is to function normally in lockdown.
Ordinarily, I would have any number of sounding-boards to talk things through with in my day-to-day working life. But I’m at home with the same 3 people and they don’t play that role for me normally. So ultimately, it was by discussing it with my EA, who is also my sister and a great writer herself, that I was able to see the difference between what I was trying to say about Values Identity and Roles Identity. She took on a perfect new role in that moment of sounding board and thinking partner.
We play so many different roles in our lives and these seem to be integral to our identity. But I’m wondering what effect the lockdown is having on our ability to continue to play these roles, and what impact that is having on us. For example, what if one of your key roles is big brother, but you’re not allowed to visit your Covid19-struck sister in hospital? How do you come to terms with that? What if you’re trying to maintain the role of Leader but because you’re working from home, you’re also juggling that with the roles of parent and wife? Is the inability to have a clear physical or time divide between those roles creating an inner tension? I’d say, that for most of us it probably is. But maybe there’s a reason for this tension – maybe it’s about us trying to do what we “should” in these roles rather than what we can.
When do we get the chance to really stop and look at all the roles we play, and all the expectations they bring with them? The challenges of being fully present on multiple zoom meetings, whilst keeping the house immaculate, the meals prepared and the children home-schooled or merely entertained are immense, and all genders are struggling with how to share the load.
When my children were small, I wasn’t any better. I believed I had to be a patient and gentle mum, a wonderful wife, a brilliant friend, and an exceptional leader, as well as the perfect cook, a diligent cleaner, and on and on… Notice all the adjectives I use – all those “shoulds”. It makes me sigh! We spend so much time judging ourselves on external standards for a role rather than defining them for ourselves, well I did / do! What does being a brilliant parent mean to you? It could mean being gentle, calm and sensitive throughout the day and the sleepless nights. It could mean making only fresh food and never buying processed food. It could mean role modelling hard work and ambition to them. It could mean helping them realise their own potential and brilliance. There is no right answer, there is only your answer.
We all play a lot of different roles in our lives – family member, client, parent, friend, customer, colleague, boss, employee etc. Every role we play comes with expectations and behaviours that are associated with that role and what is considered to be appropriate in that situation – who we are with our boss is not who we are with our best friend. These expectations are likely to learned from others and may limit the expression of our true selves. They become labels rather than part of our real identity.
Reflecting on Your Roles
So, how do we challenge the labels and how do we liberate ourselves from all the assumptions, expectations, “shoulds” and stereotypes that we associate with these labels? Well, one way to do it is to reflect on all the roles you play and how you are playing them currently. Then to write down the limits, rules and expectations you attach to these roles. Next to “daughter” you might write – weekly visit/call, send flowers, don’t swear, be successful, don’t drink too much… By making a clear list of what expectations you are attaching to each role, you’ll start to get a picture of how authentic you are allowing yourself to be in all the roles you play in your life. In this way, you can start to release yourself from the self-imposed restrictions and ask yourself how the real, authentic you will play this role. Finally, are there any other roles you would like to have that are currently missing – they are worth exploring too.
For me, this exercise is also a reminder that we need to play the role of “human” – the empathetic, understanding, gentle soul who knows we are fallible and a little damaged, yet perfect just as we are. Exploring our humanity in this time can help us to uncover and understand the roles we have, along with the roles we want, and the potential we have for so many more.
Nikki Watkins
“When free from the confines of our normal identity, we are able to look at life, and the often repetitive stories we tell about it, with fresh eyes. Come Monday morning, we may still clamber back into the monkey suits of our everyday roles—parent, spouse, employee, boss, neighbour—but, by then, we know they’re just costumes with zippers.”
Steven Kotler Stealing Fire: How Silicon Valley, the Navy SEALs, and Maverick Scientists are Revolutionising the Way We Live and Work
This article was first published on Nikki’s LinkedIn page on 24th April 2020
