This glorious Easter weekend in the UK was rather different: our usual big family treasure hunt and roast dinner was replaced by a miniature wine and gin hunt put on by my son and his girlfriend, a box of goodies arriving from my daughter consisting of chocolate, sweets and Easter fancies. A phone call to my mum and one of my sisters and multiple WhatsApp group texts to friends and family transformed the noisy, vibrant time into more reflective personal experiences. Not to say that was bad, just different, but I was once again struck by how we are all ‘being’ in this time and in this way, how our identity is in question in this current climate and what exactly that means.
Who are we when we aren’t in our normal operating mode, filling our lives with activity – heading onto a train, a plane or into an office with our familiar surroundings, multiple back to back meetings with our teams, colleagues, customers and clients, filling weekends with social events and kids clubs?
When we change everything else, the only thing left stable is ourselves – and yet, is it?
Psychologist Dr Craig Haney says: “Human identity is socially created. We understand ourselves through our relationships with other people.”
If that’s true, I wonder what’s happening to our identities as we are forced to shut ourselves off from physical contact with other people. There are the daily interactions we used to barely notice – ordering a coffee, thanking a person for moving down a tube train, saying good morning to the people in our office – and there are the more meaningful ones – a hug with a loved one, an evening spent putting the world to rights at a friend’s dinner party, a shared moment of celebration and laughter at a team meeting. All of these are currently missing from our lives.
I know many people whose identity is also tied up in who they are at work and who may be struggling to maintain their sense of the self they know. If you’re not able to go and do your job, or you’ve lost your job, been signed off for now, have had work postponed or cancelled, or you’re trying to work in a new way from home which makes you feel like it’s not as fulfilling, you may feel your identity is being challenged. Many people I talk to speak about how they just seem to have replaced one busy life with another, and leaders I’ve spoken to recently have said “I don’t know how to ‘Be’ in this way.” It’s a struggle I’m only too familiar with. (See my other ‘In Captivity’ posts!)
For my part, my work is a huge part of my identity. I like being purposeful. I’m proud of the impact I have, I know myself when I am really, really busy. Of course, I’m still connecting with clients and coaching, but my identity is also validated by the broader work I do, the multiple new conversations I have, and the insights that come from those, and the workshops I create and run all over the world.
So perhaps the issue is that our breadth of identity has become restricted: we are experiencing a narrowing of possibilities that enable us to be our full selves in the way we are most familiar with. Maybe we are now, or have always been, filling up our lives rather than feeling fulfilled in our lives. If that is the case what have we been habitually doing that we need to pay more attention to, and how might we want to explore or change this?
In his book, Atomic Habits, James Clear explains that in Latin the word ‘identity’ means “Repeated Beingness”. I love that! So, who we are being repeatedly, our behaviours and habits, need to be “votes for our identity” – it’s both about who we are being right now and who we want to become. If a habit is attached to our deep concept of who we are then we are far more likely to embrace and embed it. We need to remember that we are a “Human Being” rather than just a “Human Doing”.
This is a phrase that always resonates with people. The thrust for success, for achievement, and for having the longest ‘to do list’ so as to feel important, is such an addiction in the world.
When we think about our identity, we also need to validate that against what people say or know about us – back to Dr Craig Haney’s research about identity being socially created. One way of doing this is to get clear on our personal values, and reflect on how we are living them, and then get feedback from people who we trust. Identifying your personal values helps you to create a clearer picture of your identity, enabling you to start to begin to answer the ‘who am I’ question. (If you have never done a personal values exercise, there is one here for you to complete.)
If our identity is ideally driven by values and Being, rather than just driven by action and Doing, then we need to notice what we are being right now and reflect on this with curiosity and self-care. Perhaps then we can choose how we step into the next few weeks forming new habits that nurture a truer reflection of our identity. And then according to Atomic Habits, all we need to do is make as many “votes” for our identity in a day as we can.
So, as I am also creating conscious new habits, I have selected my online Yoga session with Adrienne for tomorrow morning, rather than a HIIT session with Joe Wickes, laid out my kit and am ready to cast a vote first thing for Health and Wellbeing – one of my personal values and a big part of my own identity.
Who/what are you voting for?
Nikki Watkins
“Becoming the type of person you want to become — someone who lives by a stronger standard, someone who believes in themselves, someone who can be counted on by the people that matter to them — is about the daily process you follow and not the ultimate product you achieve.”
James Clear Transform Your Habits
This article was first published on Nikki’s LinkedIn page on 16th April 2020
